


Trial Run

by WritinRedhead



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bor Gullet Aftermath, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Romance, Some Fluff, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 23:29:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11611206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinRedhead/pseuds/WritinRedhead
Summary: Prompt: If Bodhi were the little spoon, would it cause issues with flashbacks to Bor Gullet? Being trapped and surrounded like that?





	Trial Run

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous said: _'So, you were looking for angst, so: if Bodhi were the little spoon, would it cause issues with flashbacks to Bor Gullet? Like, being trapped and surrounded like that?'_
> 
> Thank you, dear anon, I hope this does it justice.
> 
> Big thanks to my lovely beta [ ashesofvampires](http://ashesofvampires.tumblr.com).

Their breathing is still laboured and ragged, and Bodhi can't tell whether the loud drumming stems from his own heart or Cassian's, they're too close for that. But he doesn't care, it has a nice, soothing feeling to it, and instead he runs his fingers through Cassian's hair, staring at the ceiling and listening to their heartbeats slowly calming down.

Cassian is the first to break the silence.

"Stay." He says, sounding hopeful the answer might be different today. Cassian buries his face in the crook of Bodhi's neck, nuzzling him. His beard scratches a little, but that's not necessarily unwelcome, on the contrary. Bodhi tilts his head to the side and gives a content hum.

"Please," Cassian adds and there's a nibble right below Bodhi's ear that makes him shiver. "When you leave for that run I won't get to see you another five days."

Reluctantly Bodhi detaches himself and rolls onto his side, looking at Cassian. He gives him a weak grin, he feels still pretty exhausted.

"You're not fair. Asking like that… How do you expect me to say no?"

Their relationship isn't a secret, not by any means. Although as unexpected as it came, Bodhi is sure it was the right decision. And he assumes for Cassian it was the same – if the last half hour is anything to go by.

But it is also still fairly new and from the few, but educational past experiences he's had, he knows therefore has a sense of fragility to it. Even more so when he thinks about where they both come from. There's many mistakes to be made and he fears the day he might screw up.

As much as he'd like to stay, for now, Bodhi reminds himself, it's better to indulge in one last kiss and then head back to the quarters he's been assigned.

"Then don't." Cassian moves close again, also lying on his side, and tips his head forward to steal another kiss. "I don't like you going there. I've been to that moon, I know what it's like. But if I can't keep you here, at least," he presses a kiss to the corner of Bodhi's mouth, "let me have …" two along his jaw, "…some more…" and one more to his neck before Cassian's free hand comes up to the side of Bodhi's face and he whispers, "…time."

"Cass, I…"

Bodhi breaks off and swallows. Cassian's hand is warm on his cheek and as if he doesn't already know what he's doing to Bodhi, he's slowly brushing his thumb over Bodhi's cheek and gives him a deep, pleading look.

Blinking, Bodhi averts his eyes and instead looks down to where Cassian's hand has now managed to find his. He shouldn't stay, he really shouldn't. This isn't a good idea and he knows it. But the invitation is tempting. Especially since from tomorrow evening onwards, it'll be only him and a shuttle full of cargo heading to a remote Alliance outpost. It's not like he doesn't want to spend the night, because,  _force_ , he does. It's just… there's some things he doesn't want to unnecessarily stress their relationship with.

On the other hand, five days really is a long time... and he really doesn't feel like getting up and going back to his own bed. Not while this one is so nice and warm and comfortable. And the company is nice too. Maybe staying isn't such a bad idea after all. Maybe he's gotten better. Only one way to find out.

Bodhi sighs in mock defeat, downplaying his hesitation, and returns the kiss.

"Fine, you've won. I'll stay the night. But don't hog the blankets! This planet's a freezing nightmare."

Cassian laughs.

"Promise. Come on, let's get cleaned up." He then raises an eyebrow and says with a completely straight face, "Care to join me in the fresher? Saves water," before he moves off of the bed and vanishes inside the refresher unit.

Unbelievable. Bodhi groans. To hell with the stoic spy image, a kriffing menace, that's what he is.

Though Bodhi still gets up and follows.

It takes him surprisingly little time to fall asleep afterward. Or maybe it's not so much of a surprise, all things considered. Beside him, Cassian's breathing is soft and even and it soon lulls him to sleep. He probably even manages get a couple hours at a stretch.

It's in the middle of the night that he wakes up, drenched in sweat and his heart hammering an erratic rhythm, very different from the one it had before. The aftermaths of yet another nightmare of which he just can't seem to get rid of. They're sporadic and he never knows in which nights they'll come and in which they don't. Sometimes he hates himself for being too proud to ask for help and instead tries, and more often than not fails, to deal with them on his own. He takes a few shallow breaths, trying to get his breathing back under control.

Probably he just needs some fresh air, take a walk through the base and stretch his legs for a bit. Getting out in the open has helped before. There is something about having space around him, being able to wave his arms back and forth in the cool night air - no matter how cold, it's just knowing he's not held back by anything like at the one time he keeps reliving once he closes his eyes.

Being outside is liberating, feels calming, and calming is what Bodhi thinks he needs right now.

He reaches over to where the light switch is supposed to be – and notices two things. The first, there is no switch, he's not in his own bed. The second, he can't get up and see where he is instead because he also can't move.

Bodhi freezes. Something is holding him in place, slung over his arm and weighing it down, keeping it pressed to his side. He can also feel something pressing against the length of his back. He tries to wriggle out of the hold, but it's not working, if only the hold is tightening. He's held put and Bodhi notices a new wave of panic building up and threatening to wash over him. It's getting harder to breathe and he feels his heartbeat starting to quicken again. The more he thinks about it, tries to move, the more it affects him, the fact that he can't – that he can't get away, he's trapped, surrounded… and suddenly it's like the last couple of months haven't happened at all – like they'd been nothing more than a dream and he's still back in that cursed cave, locked in a cage and tied to a chair, trying desperately to hold on to his sanity…

"Bodhi? What's wrong?"

It takes the lights flickering on and Cassian's tired but concerned voice for him to be able differ again between what is real and what is not.

"You were shaking all over. What happened?"

Realising that the weight is gone, Bodhi blinks up, slightly blinded and confused for a second. He sees Cassian leaning over him, face scrunched up with worry even though he seems to try and hide it, then, after a short moment that still feels so,  _so_  long, he remembers where he is.

"Oh force…" Bodhi takes a deep breath, relieve flooding through him. His pulse is still way quicker than what would be considered normal, but at least it isn't trying to set up a new speed record anymore. He reaches up to touch Cassian's face. The scratchy stubble, furrowed forehead, soft hair. "It's you…it's just you."

Cassian looks confused. And even more worried.

"Yes… it's me. Why? Who did you think it was?"

"I…er…" Bodhi stutters. "No one," he attempts weakly. "It was just a bad dream."

Of course, Cassian doesn't buy it. He's a trained spy, what did Bodhi expect. More lines appear on his forehead.

"Bodhi… What are you not telling me?"

When Bodhi just bites his lip and stays silent, Cassian gives him a long, scrutinizing look, and Bodhi can outright  _see_  the pieces falling into place in Cassian's head. His look softens and he brushes an errand sweaty strand off of Bodhi's face.

"Nightmares?" Cassian asks, although he isn't really asking, more stating a fact. In his eyes, on the other hand, Bodhi can see an unspoken question.

"Since when I've been having them? A while…" Bodhi admits and gives Cassian a sheepish, slightly guilty smile while picking at a loose thread on his sleeve. Not much use coming up with excuses now, is it? "Ever since, well, y'know. Sorry, I didn't I tell you. I guess I should've."

To his surprise Cassian shakes his head.

"No. No, I understand. Why you'd rather not," he clarifies and sits up, knees bent. Bodhi follows his example and settles next to him. "I get them too, sometimes, when something reminds me of… things I did. But just now…"

Cassian looks like there's a fact he can't make sense of yet and he alternates between looking at Bodhi and staring past him, trying to understand.

"That wasn't  _just_  a nightmare. You nearly had a panic attack and it only got worse when I held you and tried to – Oh…" He stops mid-sentence and curses. " _Oh_   _kriff_ ," he repeats. "I'm such an idiot. That was my fault, wasn't it? And you didn't even want to stay… Shit, I'm so sorry. I'll go, I'll sleep somewhere else and you can just–"

"Cassian, wait."

Bodhi quickly grabs Cassian's arm before he can get up and pulls him back down, toward him.

"Don't go. Please. I don't want you to. Yes, it scared me that I couldn't move, but that – that wasn't your fault. You didn't know. Stars,  _I_  didn't know that just cuddling with my lover would trigger a damn flashback." Cassian's face twitches, he still looks somewhat guilty. Bodhi puts his hand on Cassian's shoulders, they're tense. "Hey, I'm okay now."

Cassian gives him a doubtful look; his jaw is clenched and his body seems to ooze restraint and regret.

"I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

Bodhi slides his hands down Cassian's shoulders and tugs him into a careful hug. The last thing he wants is that Cassian, with his stupid sense of guilt, starts to think Bodhi might fear his touch.

"I  _am_  comfortable with you. I want to be with you. And what I  _don't_  want is for the past to come between us. Yeah, we'll make mistakes and we'll have to learn as we go, but we'll try this. Try  _us_. Okay?"

He feels Cassian nodding against his shoulder as his hands slowly come around Bodhi's waist, tentatively returning the hug. Bodhi can't help himself and a small chuckle escapes his throat. They're both so awkward. Just a couple of hours ago they'd been touching each other all over, making the other moan and curse, and now they're hugging like they've never even kissed before. They're awkward. But that's the way they are and Bodhi doesn't want it any other way.

Arms wrapped around each other, they sink back onto the bed, legs tangle and reassuring touches are shared. The last thing Bodhi hears whispered into his ear is "Yes. Let's try us."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading
> 
> ~Writin'Redhead  
> tumblr: [ writinredhead](https://writinredhead.tumblr.com)


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